Crystal’s recent release from a generational curse
by Crystal Rainwater
Crystal Rainwater
My earliest memories of what I now know to be anxiety happened when I was only four. I would lay awake in my bed and see these vivid images in my mind of our house burning down and I would have to save my new baby brother Kevin[RM1] . Yet while we would get out, both my parents would die. This was a recurring worry, and I remember yelling “GOODNIGHT!” to my parents from my bed, awaiting a response to make sure they were still alive as well.
As I grew older I learned this is a common struggle in my family. My Dad’s Mom had a nervous breakdown at age 30, and that pretty much everyone from my Father’s side suffers with it. I grew up with an amazing support network because everyone understood and would share their tips on how to cope, distract, avoid, or simply get through it.
At 19 I had my first major panic attack so bad it prevented me from leaving the house. I was so convinced that when I left the house I was going to get into an accident and die that I was immobilized by fear. Shortly after that I was put on my first prescription for anxiety. Growing up in a Christian home, we firmly believed that God could free us. But none of us had experienced it. Anxiety became part of normal life.
“I started feeling a heavy weight, starting in my feet…like chains…a weight I didn’t know was there, starting to lift through my body.”
As a side effect of anxiety I started to struggle with extremely low esteem, self-worth and depression. I was afraid to travel without multiple family members, convinced that if it was just me on the plane I would not be important enough for God to save, but certainly these other people I took with me were worthy of being saved.
This is the path my life continued down: panic attacks and a debilitating depression causing me to miss work. I accepted that this is how life is. The constant state of anxiety was normal: always feeling my heart racing, a tightness in my chest, the feeling I was not in control of my emotions. As an adult, now 42 years old, I would acknowledge the big picture: my life was more than blessed. I married the love of my life, we have two wonderful boys, good paying jobs and a house over our heads, I could therefore just deal with the anxiety and be grateful, understanding that I have it so good compared to others.
On Sunday September 18th I was getting ready to go to Church. God had been moving in amazing ways in the recent weeks and I knew He wasn’t done, but to my surprise as I was putting on my make-up I heard Him tell me to put on my waterproof mascara. I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud “WHY!?!?!” This is not the first time God has given me a heads up about something that is coming. He knows it helps me prepare, so I accepted that something was going to happen today.
During worship I could feel God’s presence and was feeling emotions well up inside of me. A few tears snuck their way out and I thought, “Ah that must have been what God was talking about.” But it wasn’t…Worship ended, but we were praying I could feel the presence of God on me. I no longer had control of my right hand as it was shaking. Pastor John said to the congregation “some of you are feeling the power of God on you and you need to come forward.” I promptly disregarded what he said. I felt this was a blessing enough and I had kids waiting to be picked up from classes and errands to run after church. My hand started to shake a little bit harder as Pastor John was insistent, and repeated himself: “Some of you are not coming forward and you are feeling the power of God on you, you need to come forward.”
Okay, Okay, I thought, I’ll go forward. I was beginning to believe that some fresh fire from God was coming my way. When I got up to the front, the power of God hit me more than it ever has. While being prayed over I shook and cried and felt that fresh fire, like I haven’t had in a very long time. I started to gather myself together. Wiping the tears from my eyes, now very thankful God told me to put on waterproof mascara, I started back to my seat.
Pastor Tara stopped me and said not to go anywhere cause Pastor Herb is going to pray with you. I thought to myself: OK God…we are not done? What else could there possibly be?
“First we need to address the lungs and breathing,” Pastor Herb said. The tightness in my chest got a little tighter. As they started to pray over my lungs I began to shake, gasping for breath, crying so hard I felt like I was gagging. All of a sudden the tightness in my chest was gone and I took a huge breath, as if I had been drowning and forgot what it was like to breathe real air. In that instant the air around me smelled and tasted different. But God was not done.
Pastor Herb then started to pray again and he said “There is something here from your Father’s side that needs to go.” I was stunned and thought, Wait God…are you crazy…We are going to deal with that!?!?!? I knew in my heart that this was about my anxiety, but not knowing what to expect. As Pastors Herb and Tara started to pray, I felt the power of God throughout my entire body. I started feeling a heavy weight, starting in my feet…like chains…a weight I didn’t know was there, starting to lift through my body. It was as if this chain was being gathered, link by link, throughout my entire body. I could feel it leaving my legs, chest, and arms and finally felt as it left through the top of my head. And all of a sudden it was over. In its place I felt an overwhelming amount of peace! I felt so light, so free! It was like an everlasting fog was lifted! My world had changed. Colors outside were brighter. I felt physically lighter. I felt like the me I know I am deep down inside that had been missing for such a very long time…. It was pure deliverance that I was not expecting or even asking for but God knew I needed.
The very next day the enemy was throwing everything he had at me. Every typical major anxiety trigger came up in my life that next week. And yet none of them were able to take control of me. I had a visual of the devil clawing for the well-established footholds that have been there for so long, but God had filled them up and no matter how much clawing he did there was nothing for him to get a hold of anymore. Everything just seemed to bounce off of me. As the week progressed I realized not only was my anxiety gone but my low self-esteem and low self-worth was gone as well!!
It has been almost 2 months since that glorious day and I am still free. The attacks from the enemy still come but I am able to rebuke them in the name of Jesus and they have no place to hold on to. I am even relearning emotions, as I now realize that all my emotions outside of happiness were laced with anxiety. I did not know you could get upset about something and it would not trigger a massive downward spiral of anxiety and depression. I did not know you could have emotions that didn’t control you. It is truly amazing.
Crystal Rainwater works as a customer service representative and travel agent, and is married to Chad Rainwater. They live in Marysville, WA with their 2 children. She reports recently enjoying her first anxiety-free flight and adds her children also have been set free from oppressive anxiety as well. The generational curse is now being replaced with a generational blessing.
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